Whatever

With each new mistake, each new regret and each new lesson to learn -and the inescapable burden of the surprisingly amazing yet still mostly catastrophic (even terrorizing- in some cases) ability we have of remebering of course - I see better and clearer what a more and more past-oriented person I am becoming in time.

No. It isn't as complicated as it seems. In fact, it isn't complicated at all. Perhaps, one day I may even argue in here how disgracefully simple of a matter this is. Perhaps..

As time passes me by, the inadequecy of my future-oriented self-conscience rapidly grows, leaving increasingly an even emptier place in my mind - just enough to turn my already unbearable present-oriented perception of life to stray in to the unthinkable zone: the past.

So now my mind, judging every new oppurtunity, brutally rejecting every new idea that seems harmlessly interesting or appealing, over the thoughts that emerge from past experiences, making it even harder for me to ever let go of them.

So maybe the answer is righ their in my decomposing future-oriented self that awaits to be rescued by some magical epiphany that is to come one day. But how could I even know that as I have lost all perception and thought of the future in the mind?

Maybe, it is because I haven't lost it yet in the heart. Maybe, it is the unbearably comforting nature of hope that still remains in me. Maybe, it is the passion for life and the metaphysics in the relativity of time that captures me.

Whatever it may be, it is. And it is, for one purpose and one only: to show the way and take me home in the dark when I can't even see my own feet walking me there. To hold my hand while I struggle to concentrate my mind in the future, letting go of the past and its misery.

To help me stop letting myself be abused by my one-night-stand- life and to teach me to grab life and kiss it on the lips - so intense and beautifully that it would finally become a love at first sight, maybe for the first time for both of us.

To give me a reason to trust.
To teach me how to care.
To make me want to stay.