going home

We got out of the car. I put on my sweater that was on my shoulders because I was feeling a little cold. He walked with me to the stairs going up to my apartment. I kept on walking thinking he would come up stairs and hang out a little with my roommate and me. But then I realized he wasn’t walking anymore so I stopped and looked back. He said he was going home and he kissed me goodnight on the cheek. I couldn’t help myself and so I just started talking:

“Wow. It’s like I’m having a déjà-vu. But it isn’t really a déjà-vu. What do you call it if you’ve seen it in your dream and then you suddenly find your self in the real situation? This is exactly where we were standing. Hmm.

I had an interesting dream last night. It was quite confusing actually. It was exactly like this moment here. We were standing here, in this exact spot. And the weather was exactly like this. It was warm but I was feeling a little chill. Or perhaps it was because I was feeling uneasy. You know that feeling? I get confused between the two. Whenever I have an uneasy feeling, I feel a shiver. And I relate the shiver to the weather. Which is very silly, really – since I know it has nothing to do with the weather. It’s all in my head. It’s about my mind. Hmm.

Well, anyway. What was I saying? Oh yes. So we were standing right here, just like we are now. Wow, it’s so funny. It’s like I can see the future in my dreams. But not really, because I’m just telling you about the dream now. Yeah, so we were here. And you were about to leave. But I didn’t want you to. You know, because I had an uneasy feeling inside. Or perhaps the uneasy feeling was because you were about to leave. Oh gosh, I feel so silly telling you about this now. Perhaps I shouldn’t. But I’m going to anyway.

I remember saying goodbye to you, and you turned your back to leave. But then I stopped you. I called your name. You turned back, eager to hear what I was going to say next. Or maybe you weren’t eager to hear it, but I wished you were.

And so I looked at you and said, “don’t go”. You laughed. Why wouldn’t you? It was quite a silly thing to say. And you said “but I need to go home, it’s late”. And I just repeated, “don’t go”. This time you were looking for a different meaning. Or maybe I wished you were. So you said, “You mean, back to France?” I didn’t answer. I just said, “don’t go”, for the last time. You looked at me confused. I knew you didn’t understand. And I knew you would never understand. So I tried being a little more clear, without utterly embarrassing myself even more so than I had already done. And I said, “don’t go to her”. I said, “stay with me”. You didn’t say anything. You looked at me. You had no idea what was going on. Neither did I. Or maybe I did, in the dream. I said, “I can make you happy”. And then, as if trying to avoid hearing any possible response you could give me, I turned my back, and I left. And I don’t know what you did, because I never looked back. Hmm. What do you think that means?”

And then, as if trying to avoid hearing any possible response he could give me, I turned my back, and I left. And I don’t know what he did, because I never looked back.

The next morning I left school to go back home. It was summer break and I wasn’t coming back the next semester. He never called me or contacted me after that night. We didn’t speak for nine months. And nine months later, I came back.